‘I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.’ – Groucho Marx

‘Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.’ – Elbert Hubbard

‘People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.’ – Isaac Asimov

‘Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.’ – Mark Twain

‘Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.’ – Margaret Mead

‘What’s another word for Thesaurus?’ – Steven Wright

‘I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.’ – Winston Churchill

‘Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.’ – Jim Carrey

‘Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.’ – Abraham Lincoln

‘If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.’ – Theodore Roosevelt

‘It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.’ – Thomas Sowell

‘Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.’ – Jules Renard

‘I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.’ – Will Rogers

‘Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.’ – Albert Einstein

‘I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.’ – Douglas Adams

‘There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.’ – Josh Billings

‘We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.’ – W. H. Auden

‘Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.’ – E. B. White

‘A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.’ – Steve Martin

‘My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.’ – Mitch Hedberg

‘If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?’ – Laurence J. Peter

‘It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.’ – Arnold Schwarzenegger

‘I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?’ – Leo Durocher

‘Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?’ – Robin Williams

‘I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.’ – Bob Hope

‘I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.’ – Bertrand Russell

‘He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.’ – George Eliot

‘I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.’ – Lily Tomlin

‘Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.’ – George Burns

‘I never said most of the things I said.’ – Yogi Berra

‘By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.’ – Richard Dawkins

‘I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.’ – Rodney Dangerfield

‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.’ – Oscar Levant

‘I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.’ – Richard Lewis

‘Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.’ – H. L. Mencken

‘It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.’ – Jerry Seinfeld

‘Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?’ – Phyllis Diller

‘Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.’ – Benjamin Franklin

‘Instant gratification takes too long.’ – Carrie Fisher

‘There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.’ – Henry Kissinger

‘Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.’ – Thomas Szasz

‘I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.’ – Walt Whitman

‘Every dogma has its day.’ – Anthony Burgess

‘Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.’ – Luis Bunuel

‘If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.’ – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

‘I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.’ – Ron White

‘Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.’ – Mae West

‘I can resist everything except temptation.’ – Oscar Wilde

‘A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.’ – George Bernard Shaw

‘My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.’ – Ellen DeGeneres

‘Weather forecast for tonight: dark.’ – George Carlin

‘My life needs editing.’ – Mort Sahl

‘A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.’ – Lana Turner

‘I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.’ – David Lee Roth

‘We are all born mad. Some remain so.’ – Samuel Beckett

‘The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.’ – Thomas A. Edison

‘Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.’ – Sam Levenson

‘Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.’ – Brooke Shields

‘Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.’ – Don Marquis

‘Life is hard. After all, it kills you.’ – Katharine Hepburn

‘If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.’ – Henny Youngman

‘I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.’ – W. C. Fields

‘I have never been hurt by what I have not said.’ – Calvin Coolidge

‘If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.’ – Tallulah Bankhead

‘All men are equal before fish.’ – Herbert Hoover

‘Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.’ – Hedy Lamarr

‘I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.’ – Fred Allen

‘I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.’ – Zsa Zsa Gabor

‘Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.’ – H. G. Wells

‘Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.’ – Joey Adams

‘They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.’ – Clint Eastwood

‘Communism is like one big phone company.’ – Lenny Bruce

‘I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.’ – Walt Disney

‘The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.’ – Al Gore

‘Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.’ – Mel Brooks

‘Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.’ – Wilson Mizner

‘I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.’ – Charles M. Schulz

‘Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.’ – P. J. O’Rourke

‘O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.’ – Saint Augustine

‘The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.’ – Terry Pratchett

‘The superfluous, a very necessary thing.’ – Voltaire

‘Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.’ – Ronald Reagan

‘One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.’ – Franklin P. Jones

‘My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.’ – Woody Allen

‘Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.’ – Charles Kettering

‘All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.’ – Casey Stengel

‘I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.’ – Jack Benny

‘Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.’ – Thor Heyerdahl

‘A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.’ – Milton Berle

‘There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.’ – Chris Rock

‘That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.’ – Joe Rogan

‘Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.’ – Edward Abbey

‘As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.’ – Buddy Hackett

‘If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.’ – William Lyon Phelps

‘I have an unfortunate personality.’ – Orson Welles

‘All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.’ – Jane Wagner

‘If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like.’ – William Feather

‘Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.’ – Charles Dudley Warner

‘I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.’ – Warren Buffett

‘The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.’ – Bill Vaughan

‘I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.’ – Elayne Boosler

‘Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.’ – Alexander Woollcott

‘I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.’ – Tommy Cooper

‘A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.’ – Oliver Herford

‘A word to the wise is infuriating.’ – Hunter S. Thompson

‘Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.’ – Robert A. Heinlein

‘It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.’ – Arthur C. Clarke

‘Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.’ – Ogden Nash

‘If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.’ – Henry David Thoreau

‘I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.’ – Flannery O’Connor

‘Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.’ – Andre Maurois

‘Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.’ – Erma Bombeck

‘If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.’ – O. Henry

‘I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.’ – Joe E. Lewis

‘I own and operate a ferocious ego.’ – Bill Moyers

‘Too much agreement kills a chat.’ – Eldridge Cleaver

‘Only the mediocre are always at their best.’ – Jean Giraudoux

‘There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.’ – Dennis Miller

‘Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.’ – Jay Leno

‘Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.’ – Robert Benchley

‘What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.’ – Jerome K. Jerome

‘Never put a sock in a toaster.’ – Eddie Izzard

‘The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.’ – Jean de la Bruyere

‘Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.’ – Tim Allen

‘I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.’ – Harold Wilson

‘A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.’ – Spike Milligan

‘I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.’ – Billy Connolly

‘I’m going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.’ – Michael J. Fox

‘If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.’ – Logan Pearsall Smith

‘If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.’ – Johnny Carson

‘I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.’ – Unknown

‘I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.’ – Paul Simon

‘To be or not to be. That’s not really a question.’ – Jean-Luc Godard

‘Reality continues to ruin my life.’ – Bill Watterson

‘Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.’ – Jerry Lewis

‘Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.’ – Robert Orben

‘What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? – W. Clement Stone’ – W. Clement Stone

‘After all is said and done, sit down.’ – Bill Copeland

‘Food is an important part of a balanced diet.’ – Fran Lebowitz

‘I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.’ – Herb Caen

‘Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?’ – James Thurber

‘So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?’ – Christina Aguilera

‘Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.’ – James Joyce

‘I’d like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.’ – Bette Davis

‘There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.’ – Vladimir Nabokov

‘I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.” – Demetri Martin

‘My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.’ – Mike Myers

‘Men are only as loyal as their options.’ – Bill Maher

‘I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.’ – Stephen Fry

‘We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.’ – Alanis Morissette

‘When I was born I owed twelve dollars.’ – George S. Kaufman

‘I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.’ – Edith Sitwell

‘If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.’ – Hillary Clinton

‘Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.’ – P. G. Wodehouse

‘TV is chewing gum for the eyes.’ – Frank Lloyd Wright

‘You can always tell when a man’s well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.’ – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

‘I’m for whatever gets you through the night.’ – Frank Sinatra

‘I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.’ – Louis XIV

‘If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.’ – Rob Corddry

‘When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.’ – Saul Bellow

‘Cure for an obsession: get another one.’ – Mason Cooley

‘I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.’ – Arthur Conan Doyle

‘Include me out.’ – Samuel Goldwyn

‘My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.’ – Jimmy Durante

‘A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper

‘She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.’ – J. B. Priestley

‘As for our majority… one is enough.’ – Benjamin Disraeli

‘He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.’ – Raymond Chandler

‘I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them.’ – Charles Darwin

‘I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.’ – Rita Rudner

‘Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.’ – Samuel Butler

‘Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.’ – Hesiod

‘You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.’ – Thomas Hardy

‘One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.’ – Samuel Johnson

‘Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.’ – Chevy Chase

‘I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.’ – Emo Philips

‘I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.’ – Gloria Steinem

‘I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.’ – David Letterman

‘I may be a living legend, but that sure don’t help when I’ve got to change a flat tire.’ – Roy Orbison

‘Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.’ – Alfred Hitchcock

‘An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.’ – George Jean Nathan

‘If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.’ – Marcelene Cox

‘What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.’ – Christopher Fry

‘Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?’ – Tracey Ullman

‘I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.’ – Paul Lynde

‘Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.’ – Marilyn vos Savant

‘The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.’ – Dave Barry

‘Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.’ – Robert Byrne

‘I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.’ – Michael Crichton

‘As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.’ – Calvin Trillin

‘Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.’ – Christopher Plummer

‘Every man has a sane spot somewhere.’ – Robert Louis Stevenson

‘It is to be observed that ‘angling’ is the name given to fishing by people who can’t fish.’ – Stephen Leacock

‘I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.’ – Rose Kennedy

‘One man’s folly is another man’s wife.’ – Helen Rowland

‘I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.’ – Steven Wright

‘My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.’ – Jay London

‘It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.’ – Johnny Vegas

‘Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.’ – Joan Rivers

‘I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.’ – Paula Poundstone

‘I like marriage. The idea.’ – Toni Morrison

‘There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.’ – Don Herold

‘I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.’ – Les Dawson

‘I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.’ – Norman Wisdom

‘One man is as good as another until he has written a book.’ – Benjamin Jowett

‘If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.’ – Robin Williams

‘I’m kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.’ – James Brown

‘My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?’ – Margaret Smith

‘Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!’ – Steve Martin

‘Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they’re home. I’m that way at Saks.’ – Caroline Rhea

‘God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.’ – Naguib Mahfouz

‘A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.’ – Kevin Nealon

‘The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.’ – Jimmy Fallon

‘Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.’ – Cathy Guisewite

‘Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.’ – Victor Hugo

‘Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.’ – Sparky Anderson

‘I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.’ – Howard Nemerov

‘I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.’ – Dylan Moran

‘I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.’ – Imelda Marcos

‘May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.’ – George Carlin

‘When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.’ – David Brenner

‘Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.’ – Lewis Mumford

‘I’m a misplaced American, but don’t know where I was misplaced.’ – Ruby Wax

‘I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.’ – Mickey Rooney

‘I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.’ – Anna Held

‘Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.’ – Mark Twain

‘No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.’ – Abraham Lincoln

‘I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.’ – Mitch Hedberg

‘A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.’ – Jerry Seinfeld

‘We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.’ – Louis Aragon

‘A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.’ – Yogi Berra

‘I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.’ – Rodney Dangerfield

‘To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.’ – Dick Cavett

‘My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.’ – Angie Dickinson

‘I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.’ – Phyllis Diller

‘A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.’ – Groucho Marx

‘Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.’ – Will Rogers

‘Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?’ – H. L. Mencken

‘Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.’ – Don Marquis

‘When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.’ – George Burns

‘I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.’ – Mercedes McCambridge

‘I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.’ – Woody Allen

‘There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.’ – Josh Billings

‘I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.’ – Steven Wright

‘If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.’ – Laurence J. Peter

‘Let’s have some new cliches.’ – Samuel Goldwyn

‘California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.’ – Fred Allen

‘Who included me among the ranks of the human race?’ – Joseph Brodsky

‘I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.’ – Robin Williams

‘If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.’ – George Bernard Shaw

‘You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.’ – Milton Berle

‘I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.’ – Mae West

‘I like children – fried.’ – W. C. Fields

‘I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.’ – Steve Martin

‘If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.’ – Henny Youngman

‘If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?’ – Lily Tomlin

‘I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.’ – Bob Hope

‘I saw a stationery store move.’ – Jay London

‘Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.’ – Norman Douglas

‘Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.’ – George Carlin

‘How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.’ – Spike Milligan

‘I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.’ – Joan Rivers

‘My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.’ – Billy Connolly

‘The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!’ – Jerry Seinfeld

‘I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.’ – Johnny Carson

‘Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.’ – P. G. Wodehouse

‘Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.’ – Lenny Bruce

‘People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.’ – Ellen DeGeneres

‘Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?’ – James Thurber

‘I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.’ – Emo Philips

‘People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.’ – Logan Pearsall Smith

‘All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.’ – Lewis Black

‘I never liked you, and I always will.’ – Samuel Goldwyn

‘I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.’ – Mitch Hedberg

‘The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.’ – Mark Twain

‘As I get older, I just prefer to knit.’ – Tracey Ullman

‘When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.’ – Albert Einstein

‘Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.’ – George Lopez

‘Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.’ – Anthony Burgess

‘If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.’ – Abraham Lincoln

‘If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.’ – Clint Eastwood

‘I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.’ – Rodney Dangerfield

‘This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.’ – Oscar Wilde

‘Even Napoleon had his Watergate.’ – Yogi Berra

‘If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?’ – Robin Williams

‘Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?’ – Robert Benchley

‘I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.’ – Douglas Adams

‘Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.’ – Groucho Marx

‘The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.’ – Arthur C. Clarke

‘It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.’ – H. L. Mencken

‘I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?’ – Arnold Schwarzenegger

‘I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.’ – Charles M. Schulz

‘Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.’ – Bill Vaughan

‘Never floss with a stranger.’ – Joan Rivers

‘Be obscure clearly.’ – E. B. White

‘I failed to make the chess team because of my height.’ – Woody Allen

‘If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.’ – Jack Benny

‘If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.’ – George Burns

‘Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.’ – Laurence J. Peter

‘Macho does not prove mucho.’ – Zsa Zsa Gabor

‘Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.’ – Josh Billings

‘What do I know of man’s destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.’ – Samuel Beckett

‘I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.’ – Hillary Clinton

‘Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.’ – Bill Maher

‘One picture is worth 1,000 denials.’ – Ronald Reagan

‘The next time you have a thought… let it go.’ – Ron White

‘The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.’ – Jay Leno

‘Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.’ – Wilson Mizner

‘We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.’ – Milton Berle

‘A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.’ – Don Marquis

‘Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark.’ – O. Henry

‘The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.’ – Fred Allen

‘Never have more children than you have car windows.’ – Erma Bombeck

‘If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.’ – Mel Brooks

‘He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.’ – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

‘I rant, therefore I am.’ – Dennis Miller

‘Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.’ – Henry Kissinger

‘It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.’ – Dave Barry

‘I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.’ – Eddie Izzard

‘You’re only as good as your last haircut.’ – Fran Lebowitz

‘When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.’ – Jane Wagner

‘Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.’ – Cathy Guisewite

‘Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.’ – Phyllis Diller

‘It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.’ – Jay London

‘If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat! – Demetri Martin’ – Demetri Martin

‘Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.’ – Bill Hicks

‘Electricity is really just organized lightning.’ – George Carlin

‘Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.’ – Bette Davis

‘The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.’ – Joe E. Lewis

‘You see much more of your children once they leave home.’ – Lucille Ball

‘I wish I had the nerve not to tip.’ – Paul Lynde

‘I’m thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.’ – Paula Poundstone

‘A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children.’ – David Brenner

‘When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.’ – Richard Lewis

‘I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.’ – Elayne Boosler

‘When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.’ – Rita Rudner

‘If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.’ – Joan Rivers

‘I read part of it all the way through.’ – Samuel Goldwyn

‘If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.’ – W. C. Fields

‘If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?’ – Lily Tomlin

‘All my children inherited perfect pitch.’ – Chevy Chase

‘We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity – romantic love and gunpowder.’ – Andre Maurois

‘I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.’ – Ellen DeGeneres

‘Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.’ – Milton Berle

‘The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.’ – William Feather

‘When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.’ – Henny Youngman

‘Never fight an inanimate object.’ – P. J. O’Rourke

‘I can speak Esperanto like a native.’ – Spike Milligan

‘When you’re eight years old nothing is your business.’ – Lenny Bruce

‘I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.’ – Billy Connolly

‘We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.’ – Logan Pearsall Smith

‘All generalizations are false, including this one.’ – Mark Twain

‘How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.’ – Emo Philips

‘Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.’ – James Thurber

‘I think serial monogamy says it all.’ – Tracey Ullman

‘The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.’ – Rodney Dangerfield

‘The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.’ – P. G. Wodehouse

‘I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.’ – Groucho Marx

‘I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.’ – Robert Benchley

‘If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?’ – Abraham Lincoln

‘Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.’ – Josh Billings

‘Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.’ – H. L. Mencken

‘I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.’ – George Burns

‘The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand.’ – Fred Allen

‘Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?’ – Don Rickles

‘An idea isn’t responsible for the people who believe in it.’ – Don Marquis

‘I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.’ – Joan Rivers

‘The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.’ – Phyllis Diller

‘Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.’ – Laurence J. Peter

‘In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.’ – George Carlin

‘I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.’ – Will Rogers

‘I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights.’ – Jay London

‘There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.’ – Lewis Black

‘I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.’ – Samuel Goldwyn

‘A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.’ – Bob Hope

‘Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.’ – William Arthur Ward

‘Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends.’ – Eminem

‘From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.’ – Dr. Seuss

‘To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.’ – Reba McEntire

‘You know what’s funny to me? Attitude.’ – Don Rickles

‘Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.’ – Joan Rivers

‘It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.’ – Bill Hicks

‘Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.’ – Norm MacDonald

‘It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.’ – W. Somerset Maugham

‘Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.’ – Peter Ustinov

‘People ask ‘do you make a conscious effort not to swear?’ – if you’re doing silly stuff you’re not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.’ – Tim Vine

‘That’s the funny thing about time. It is only in looking back that it’s easy to connect the dots. To see exactly why everything needed to happen the way that it did.’ – Rebecca Serle

‘I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place.’ – Jeff Kinney

‘Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it’s really how it works.’ – Steve Jobs

‘And as – funny enough, it actually became – so I’ve always wanted to be a Guinness world record holder. And believe it or not, before I made this there was not a category for world’s largest Nerf gun, but there is now.’ – Mark Rober

‘I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it’s funny. And it’s not funny. It’s not.’ – Joe Biden

‘It’s a funny old world.’ – Margaret Thatcher

‘Yet there are some people – Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he’s a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I’m doing it right now and you all seem bored.’ – Bob Saget

‘Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don’t have a sense of humor it just isn’t funny anymore.’ – Wavy Gravy

‘I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.’ – Karan Patel

‘Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.’ – Stephen Hawking

‘They’re just jokes, people. They can’t all be funny.’ – Theo Von

‘Only bad golfers are lucky. They’re the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.’ – Lee Trevino

‘Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn’t funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, ‘What did he say?” – Lewis Black

‘I used to work with autistic children, and they said a lot of funny things to me.’ – James Acaster

‘Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.’ – George Orwell

‘The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.’ – David Ogilvy

‘You win a race, the next race it’s a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That’s what is funny. But that’s what is interesting. And that’s what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time.’ – Michael Schumacher

‘It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.’ – Adlai Stevenson I

‘We adore babies because they’re so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why.’ – Daniel Dennett

‘Often, joking for me is a way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it’s kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there’s nothing funny or lighthearted.’ – Emma Stone

‘I was fired from an NBC sitcom called ‘Friends With Benefits.’ I was wrong for the part from the beginning, didn’t even want to audition, and kept thinking, ‘This isn’t funny at all.” – Patrick J. Adams

‘It’s funny because I’ve made a living off of words, but words get in the way of what you really want to say.’ – Kanye West

‘Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child’s tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It’s not funny and it’s not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn’t the least bit funny.’ – Ben Stein

‘In my circle of friends, I’ve always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don’t want the spotlight on me.’ – Rosie Perez

‘Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend.’ – Lucy Liu

‘The funny thing is, I’m so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things… I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn’t.’ – Rob Zombie

‘I owe my whole acting career to the fact that I’m a singer. I went out to Los Angeles and auditioned for a TV show called ‘Fame L.A.’ The original role was for a comedian, but they said I wasn’t very funny, so they asked me, ‘What else can you do?’ So I played a singer.’ – Christian Kane

‘Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That’s it. That’s the only requirement.’ – Olivia Munn

‘You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it’ll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it’s not even funny.’ – Steve Irwin

‘Censorship no longer works by hiding information from you; censorship works by flooding you with immense amounts of misinformation, of irrelevant information, of funny cat videos, until you’re just unable to focus.’ – Yuval Noah Harari

‘Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things.’ – Bernard Sahlins

‘I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it’s OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink.’ – Karl Lagerfeld

‘Funny is an attitude.’ – Flip Wilson

‘I remember listening to the radio as a kid and finding that the songs always made me feel more peaceful. Funny, but the more hurtin’ the music was, the better it made me feel. I think of that now when I write my songs. I may not be feelin’ the blues myself, but I’m writing them for other people who have a hard life.’ – Chris Isaak

‘I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary.’ – R. L. Stine

‘A joke is just a paintbrush. It takes someone funny to paint something beautiful.’ – Andrew Schulz

‘There’s nothing I dislike more than being in a photo shoot where they say, ‘Be yourself.’ That’s not why I became an actress. That’s what I find so funny: that you become an actor, and all of a sudden, everyone wants to know about you. But I didn’t become an actor so I could show you me.’ – Margot Robbie

‘Funny enough, you know who I used to really like in Lion King? It was Scar.’ – Burna Boy

‘I don’t care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I’ll laugh because they’ll probably be funny.’ – Paula Deen

‘Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others’ discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it’s funny.’ – Shah Rukh Khan

‘The human brain is a funny thing: it’s very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential.’ – Ray Stevens

‘I can’t stress to you enough how much I can relate to teens being cyberbullied. Something that helps me is looking at old videos of me and my friends from middle school, or videos of my family. I love watching funny videos of my favorite people – it really cheers me up.’ – Ariana Grande

‘I’m not funny. What I am is brave.’ – Lucille Ball

‘I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.’ – Rihanna

‘I think my funny books are my favorites because I like to laugh so much.’ – Dav Pilkey

‘What I like best is a book that’s at least funny once in a while. What really knocks me out is a book that, when you’re all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn’t happen much, though.’ – J. D. Salinger

‘It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.’ – Robert Frost

‘There’s only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.’ – Jeff Garlin

‘I don’t care whether people say, ”The Office’ is rubbish, ‘Extras’ is worse, ‘Flanimals’ is a waste of time. He’s not funny; he never has been. I hate him.’ I don’t mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important.’ – Ricky Gervais

‘It’s so good to get up in the morning and see a donkey – they’re just unbelievably beautiful and funny. My donkey Hector laughs when I walk towards him; he knows mortality when he sees it.’ – John Nettles

‘The funny thing is I’m not even Latin. I was constantly getting Latin roles, and I was like, I even was nominated for an award, and I was like, ‘Let them know at the NAACP, the first white woman. Let them know I’m totally grateful, but I’m not Latin. I can’t do that. I play Latin.” – Vanessa Ferlito

‘I always have a funny story at communion time that underscores that no one is perfect, and that communion is not for perfect people but for hungry people.’ – Greg Boyle

‘It’s funny how most people love the dead, once you’re dead, you’re made for life.’ – Jimi Hendrix

‘Losing streaks are funny. If you lose at the beginning you got off to a bad start. If you lose in the middle of the season, you’re in a slump. If you lose at the end, you’re choking.’ – Gene Mauch

‘Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.’ – Michael Morpurgo

‘I tell you, it’s funny because the only time I think about HIV is when I have to take my medicine twice a day.’ – Magic Johnson

‘I’ve never worked in my natural accent, having studied so hard to get rid of it when I moved to England as a child where I was bullied at school for ‘talking funny.” – Gina Bellman

‘You can’t really be strong until you see a funny side to things.’ – Ken Kesey

‘The funny thing is that I feel close to all my characters. Deep, deep inside them all.’ – Paul Auster

‘Why do I want to annoy people? Because annoying people is funny.’ – Limmy

‘Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day.’ – Jennifer Aniston

‘There’s a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.’ – Milton Berle

‘The funny thing about nationalism is that there are two sides to it. Some parts of it are beautiful, but there’s an ugly side as well.’ – Gregory Porter

‘I like to be funny. I can’t stay all the time focused, disciplined, controlled. Behaviour like that is impossible. If the players are too nervous before a game, I have to relax them, calm them.’ – Carlo Ancelotti

‘I was asked to act when I couldn’t act. I was asked to sing ‘Funny Face’ when I couldn’t sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn’t dance – and do all kinds of things I wasn’t prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.’ – Audrey Hepburn

‘The funny thing about the people I don’t like – they’re very self-centered.’ – Brendon Urie

‘I was a business major at the University of Richmond, and after I graduated, I took a job at a corporate ad agency. I had comedic dreams, but I also had a realistic look at what I had to do when I left school: maybe I’m funny, but maybe I’m one of a hundred thousand funny people, you know?’ – Lil Dicky

‘A rich man’s joke is always funny.’ – Thomas Edward Brown

‘You shouldn’t get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.’ – Bob Newhart

‘My father Rodger is your typical ‘funny without knowing it’ kinda guy. When he says something that creates shock or joy in a room, I love watching his confused face as he tries to work out what it is he did.’ – Iain Stirling

‘I don’t happen to have a sense of humor personally, so I don’t know what’s funny about a character… This happens to be a feature of my life generally.’ – Wallace Shawn

‘Nothing is off-limits. There’s just some things I cannot crack. Politics I can’t do. When I start to talk about it, I just get really angry and super sincere. I have never found a way to craft all of that absurdity into funny.’ – Ali Wong

‘I discovered that funny animal pictures – memes – would get a lot of likes and shares.’ – George Takei

‘I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.’ – Keanu Reeves

‘I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.’ – Stephen King

‘I looked on my stomach and saw Frieda Rebecca, white as flour with the cream that covers new babies, funny little dark squiggles of hair plastered over her head, with big, dark-blue eyes.’ – Sylvia Plath

‘I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I’m funny, and I’m a good person.’ – Pink

‘Comedy is just an unspoken language. Everybody understands it. Funny is funny. When it’s not funny, they’ll let you know.’ – Jo Koy

‘It’s funny how life works. You end up sometimes back where you started.’ – Karl Iagnemma

‘Hurried and worried until we’re buried, and there’s no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all.’ – George M. Cohan

‘They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny. That made me the coolest aunt on earth.’ – Tina Yothers

‘I’m blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I’m sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I’m nice – and I like to eat.’ – Paris Hilton

‘I have Slavic fat pads that make me look like a chipmunk and arched predatory eyebrows. With that, you’re not going to get funny. That’s why I play so many bad guys.’ – Liev Schreiber

‘In a funny sort of way, the ramshackle bunch known as the Happy Mondays were a lifesaver for me.’ – Bez

‘I find, when you’re an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you.’ – Simon Sinek

‘Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things.’ – Adam Sandler

‘It’s so funny how social media was just this fun thing, and now it’s this monster that consumes so many millennial lives.’ – Cazzie David

‘You put funny people in funny costumes and paint them green and we could talk about anything we wanted to, because that was the only thing that fascinated Gene about this particular genre.’ – Majel Barrett

‘Reality is like a doughnut: Everything that is good and funny and juicy is outside the center, which is just emptiness.’ – Olga Tokarczuk

‘No matter what I do, I can’t help but feel that I’m under a microscope. Some of it is completely silly, and some of it is meant to be hurtful. For example, a website accumulated all of my music videos to point out perceived Illuminati images. I loved that one. Of course, it was all ridiculous but funny.’ – Steve Aoki

‘I believe in choosing your words very carefully. It’s funny: I’ll get comments like, ‘Oh I love you. You don’t care; you have no filter.’ On the contrary, I absolutely have a filter, because I understand decorum, and my objective is not to upset people.’ – Iliza Shlesinger

‘Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I’ve always had a sense of humour.’ – Henry Allingham

‘The fans of ‘The Hunger Games,’ of the book, are very passionate. It’s funny: Even at my concerts there are people holding up ‘Cinna’ signs.’ – Lenny Kravitz

‘We live in a funny time. If you don’t go corporate, you can’t compete. You’re relegated as irrelevant. People used to admire that.’ – Ethan Hawke

‘Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings.’ – Ellen DeGeneres

‘I just couldn’t go back to Suddenly Susan after David Strickland’s suicide. I didn’t see how we could make the show light and funny any more.’ – Judd Nelson

‘That is the job of a comedian: To take unpleasant subject matter and forcibly, with his hands, wring the funny out of it.’ – Katt Williams

‘If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.’ – Billy Wilder

‘If you’re funny, if there’s something that makes you laugh, then every day’s going to be okay.’ – Tom Hanks

‘Yes, we do defend our office as we do defend our homes. This is a constitutional right everybody has, and nothing’s funny about that. The only reason they get mad at the Black Panther Party when you do it is for the simple reason that we’re political.’ – Fred Hampton

‘Flea markets are fun because they are the ultimate treasure hunt. Be open to the fact that you never know what you’ll find. The most beautiful, quirky, funny, scary pieces may not have an intrinsic value.’ – Lara Spencer

‘My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious.’ – John Mulaney

‘There’s a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn’t nice, but grumpy is funny.’ – Rick Wakeman

‘I was in love with Michael Keaton. He was very funny.’ – Teri Garr

‘I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something.’ – Brian Wilson

‘The fact that ‘A Dirty Job’ has comedy and supernatural horror in it, that both are woven in and out of it with a whimsical tone, despite the fact that it’s about death, makes it hard to characterize with standard genre labels – but I have no problem with that. I’d call it a funny story about death, and leave it at that.’ – Christopher Moore

‘When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it’s absurd. But it’s tragic at the same time.’ – Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

‘I have a funny mental framework when I do physics. I create an imaginary audience in my head to explain things to – it is part of the way I think. For me, teaching and explaining, even to my imaginary audience, is part of the process.’ – Leonard Susskind

‘Being mean just for being mean’s sake isn’t funny.’ – Kaitlin Olson

‘Fear is what makes comedy funny.’ – Paul Rudd

‘Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.’ – Joan Rivers

‘Confidence is a funny thing, and sometimes that’s all you need is just that little bit to elevate you to the next level.’ – DeAndre Yedlin

‘Stories in families are colossally important. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof of belonging to the family.’ – Salman Rushdie

‘I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it’s very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they’re in show business.’ – Jeff Dunham

‘When I was in high school, there was ‘Superbad’ and ‘The Girl Next Door’ and ‘Wedding Crashers’ and all these great movies. You hope to be a part of something that’s smart, funny and in that Todd Phillips-vein. You want to make something like ‘Superbad.’ That movie was so good and so funny.’ – Miles Teller

‘Laurence Olivier said in an interview once that when he plays a tragedy he always aims for the funny parts, and the other way around. Because in a comedy you look for what’s serious. I think that’s true. Sometimes things are really funny if you’re absolutely earnest. If you’re really serious, it’s hilarious.’ – Christopher Walken

‘I think it’s a comedian’s job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.’ – Donald Glover

‘I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.’ – LeBron James

‘I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.’ – J. Cole

‘I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny.’ – Nora Dunn

‘We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again.’ – Sheena Easton

‘Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of plastic surgery, we look at them and go, I can tell you’ve had Botox. I can tell you’ve had plastic surgery. You look really strange to me. But no one’s saying anything. We’re just accepting the fact that they’re strange-looking.’ – Guy Pearce

‘When you’re doing a medieval show like ‘Pillars,’ it starts off a bit like a school play. You’re all in funny costumes; you’ve had your coffee, and you say, ‘Good morning’. Then you go on set and, if you’ve got good actors and directors, it takes on a life of its own.’ – Ian McShane

‘You’re unlikely to discover something new without a lot of practice on old stuff, but further, you should get a heck of a lot of fun out of working out funny relations and interesting things.’ – Richard P. Feynman

‘It’s both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy.’ – Tony Hancock

‘I had gotten to a place where I truly believed everything I was called: ‘not sexy,’ ‘not funny,’ ‘too intense,’ desperate.’ All those labels they gave me, I took them because there wasn’t a trace of my true self left.’ – Naomi Watts

‘Life is funny. If you don’t laugh, you’re in trouble.’ – Taylor Hawkins

‘It is kind of funny that the people who don’t think Hillary Clinton is fit and healthy enough to be president are so worried that Hillary Clinton is fit and healthy enough to be president.’ – Jimmy Kimmel

‘When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.’ – David Bowie

‘I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It’s not funny! It was real.’ – Barry Watson

‘Although I have guitars all around, and I pick them up occasionally and write a tune and make a record, I don’t really see myself as a musician. It may seem a funny thing to say. It’s just like, I write lyrics, and I make up songs, but I’m not a great lyricist or songwriter or producer. It’s when you put all these things together – that makes me.’ – George Harrison

‘My ideal prom date would have to be cute, funny, sweet, nice.’ – Kendall Jenner

‘My heart is so light that it’s amazing. I get to play all this grief, all this loss, all this disaster and chaos. It’s hysterically funny. I am very light.’ – Linda Hamilton

‘When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it’s just wonderful.’ – Francois Truffaut

‘Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.’ – Lisa Lampanelli

‘There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.’ – Jean Baudrillard

‘Comedy is so subjective. You could be in a room with 400 people laughing at a joke and you could just not think it’s funny. You’re just sitting there like, ‘Am I in the twilight zone? Why is everyone laughing?’ It’s such a personal thing. People have such a personal visceral response to comedy.’ – Todd Phillips

‘It seems like everybody’s perception of me is very bipolar. To one group, it’s overpaid, overrated; to another group, it’s underpaid, underrated, underdog. It’s funny to me because there’s no real balance.’ – Jeremy Lin

‘With improv, it’s a combination of listening and not trying to be funny.’ – Kristen Wiig

‘I’m thankful enough or blessed enough to be able to say that Miles Davis was a friend when he was alive, and he was a wonderful mentor and really, really funny, you know.’ – Prince

‘What’s funny about Jesus’ Son is that I never even wrote that book, I just wrote it down. I would tell these stories and people would say, You should write these things down.’ – Denis Johnson

‘I’m actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she’s really funny. I think she’s really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves.’ – Chelsea Handler

‘The inventory process and stepping back in your life can sometimes be a very dark process. But it also can be extremely funny and surprising.’ – Craig Charles

‘Being funny, it turns out, is like being a bank. It’s a confidence trick. As long as everyone believes in you, you are fine.’ – Evan Davis

‘One thing the blues ain’t, is funny.’ – Stephen Stills

‘I feel like anyone who’s ever wanted to be a performer went through this phase, where you thought that being funny equaled doing stuff you already saw on TV.’ – Edi Patterson

‘It’s so funny, because right now I’m very tired and my brains a little dead, I tend to get very focused and serious. So, I’m probably coming off a lot more like Scully right now.’ – Gillian Anderson

‘As far as I’m concerned, ‘The Caretaker’ is funny up to a point. Beyond that, it ceases to be funny, and it was because of that point that I wrote it.’ – Harold Pinter

‘My parents were very funny – they didn’t know it. But they were. They were actually sharing an IQ.’ – Tim Conway

‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. And if you do have to say it, make it really funny so I can screenshot it and save it for later.’ – Sabrina Carpenter

‘You can’t fake comedy. You can’t make it look beautiful or put an interesting bit of music on in the background: funny can only be funny if you’re funny.’ – Aisling Bea

‘All the dramas I admire most – ‘Six Feet Under,’ ‘The Sopranos’ – even when the scenes aren’t laugh-out-loud funny, per se, there’s a comic twist that gives the stories an energy.’ – Jesse Armstrong

‘I don’t think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I’m not.’ – Jeremy Clarkson

‘A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.’ – Ernest Hemingway

‘Our characters act silly, even totally ridiculous at times, and most of our jokes don’t come out of pop cultural references. It seems like we’re aiming at a child audience, but everyone can laugh at the basic human traits that are funny. It’s playful, the humor is playful, the world is playful. You can kind of let go.’ – Stephen Hillenburg

‘I’m not really a line type of guy. I mean, pick-up lines work for some guys. You gotta really sell that thing hard. I did try one pick-up line, and it failed miserably. I thought it was really funny, but the girl didn’t find it very funny.’ – Glen Powell

‘It’s funny the way life works. Sometimes you go around in a weird path to find out exactly what it is that you love to do, and I’m happy that I’ve sort of discovered something that makes me really happy.’ – Haylie Duff

‘A good joke can spread throughout the Internet between the time you go to bed and the time you wake up, leading to an inbox filled with pictures of funny cats and cheeseburgers.’ – Rosanna Pansino

‘Robin Williams learned technique. He has the technique of being funny.’ – Paul Mooney

‘If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn’t be funny.’ – Don Rickles

‘When something is truly funny, it’s funny all the time.’ – Cloris Leachman

‘A reputation takes years and years and years to build, and it takes one press of a button to ruin it. Don’t let that happen to you. You’ve done so much work; you’ve put in so much effort. Don’t let one moment ruin your entire life because you wanted to be funny or you were mad or because you had a mood.’ – J. J. Watt

‘One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.’ – William Feather

‘It’s funny how the music industry is enraged about the Internet and the way things are copied without being paid for. But you know why people steal the music? Because they can’t afford the music.’ – Tom Petty

‘People love to throw stones at me, and I get it. It’s fun to make fun of me, because I put myself out there. I’m a large personality, and I got the funny bone; I voice my opinion, and then people get upset.’ – Wendy Williams

‘You gotta keep the funny intact.’ – Seth MacFarlane

‘Sometimes I’ll put on a Zig Ziglar tape: he’s a motivational speaker who is really funny and really American. I know I should do the things he says, but I’m too cynical.’ – Laila Rouass

‘It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don’t choose to live anywhere else. There’s land here, where a man can raise cattle, and I’m going to do it some day.’ – Medgar Evers

‘I wouldn’t have been born if my parents had stayed in China. Which is kind of funny. But it also just kind of fills me with this existential dread.’ – Bowen Yang

‘I do jokes about what’s funny, and both sides are funny.’ – Mark Russell

‘I grew up in a funny way.’ – Gordon Ramsay

‘John Cleese was a big hero of mine. He grew up in Weston Super Mare near Bristol where I grew up; he was always very tall and gangly, but he was smart and used his physicality in a very funny way. I used to think, ‘Well he came from Weston and he did it, so there’s a chance for me.” – Stephen Merchant

‘Since it’s based on my parents, it’s more emotionally close to me than some of my more surreal plays. And then I like the balance of the comic and the sad. It should play as funny, but you should care about the characters and feel sad for them.’ – Christopher Durang

‘I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.’ – Larry David

‘If it bends, it’s funny; if it breaks, it’s not funny.’ – Kate O’Brien

‘Looking the way I look, whenever anybody’s looking for a light brown funny guy, I get the call… I’m 100 percent Greek, but I look like I could be Indian or Middle Eastern or Hispanic. If it’s ethnic, they’ll try and put me in it.’ – Jason Mantzoukas

‘It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.’ – Angelina Jolie

‘There are things done under the name of science which are ridiculous. But there is also stuff done which sounds funny but is really serious.’ – Margaret Geller

‘Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they’re down, and when they’re having a good time, I can carry on the joke.’ – John Krasinski

‘It’s funny, I guess when I was growing up, I didn’t really think about being an instrumentalist, per se. I didn’t think, well, I want to be a piano player, or, I want to be a guitar player, or even, I want to be a singer. I just wanted to be a musician.’ – Jacob Collier

‘It’s funny, the moment you dread the most, seeing yourself bald, is actually not such a bad moment at all.’ – Sylvie Meis

‘Doug Stanhope is great – I saw his ‘Burning the Bridge to Nowhere’ show and it was inspiring. He’s like an anti-shaman, taking the sting out of a bunch of things we’ve chosen to give a symbolic power to. I’ve made it sound noble and worthy there, it’s not, it’s really funny.’ – Frankie Boyle

‘There’s something outrageously funny about the bold-faced lying that’s going on, in a general way. Just the blatant denial of facts, whether it’s climate change or crowd sizes. Every day, there’s another blatant lie. I think there’s comedy in there somewhere.’ – Matt Walsh

‘Humor strips dominated what were called the funny papers early in the century, but by the 1920s and ’30s, adventure strips had taken over. With ‘Beetle Bailey,’ I revived the funny part of the funny papers, and I’d be proud to be remembered for that.’ – Mort Walker

‘My dad has blond hair, my grandmother has blue eyes. My daughter has blue eyes and blond hair. So it is pretty funny to me that I’m so heavily identified as an Asian person.’ – Ruthie Ann Miles

‘Life itself is pretty funny when you realize how absurd it can be.’ – Ray Stevenson

‘Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.’ – Zach Galifianakis

‘One longs to be funny, to make people laugh. Laughter is such a sign of approval, isn’t it?’ – Tom Baker

”Bridgerton’ is a lot like the period dramas that you know and love, but nothing like it’s forerunner. It’s faster, funny, sexier, and more glamorous.’ – Rege-Jean Page

‘Who doesn’t want to come and put fangs on, and a funny mad costume, and pretend to be like a really over-the-top bloodsucking monster for a couple of days? It’s like dress-up.’ – Natasia Demetriou

‘It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.’ – Dave Grohl

‘Best fight ever in a movie: ‘They Live.’ I want to do a martial arts version of that, where you think it’s ended, and it just keeps on going. I love that fight. It was funny as well. Unexpected.’ – Scott Adkins

‘The follow your dreams thing is really important because so many people are railroaded into taking other paths by their family, their friends, people who should be supportive going, ‘What are you talking about?’ Even just seemingly regular career paths, but if it’s not what people expect for you they kind of react funny.’ – Joan Jett

‘Things that I feel really sad about, I talk about. That way, if it’s funny, it doesn’t hurt anymore.’ – Pete Davidson

‘People never ask people doing serious music, ‘Do you ever think about doing funny music?” – Al Yankovic

‘There’s something very funny about giving a menial task to a genius and watching him find so much complexity and overanalyse it to such a degree that the waitress from Nebraska working at the Cheesecake Factory has passed them all by.’ – Simon Helberg

‘I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I’m annoying, and a phony.’ – Anne Lamott

‘I carry with me from my male upbringing a sense that femininity is forbidden. So when I appear on YouTube with forty butterflies glued to my body and glitter all over my face, I have a sense that I’m getting away with something I’m not supposed to. I’m being decadent. I’m enjoying a forbidden pleasure. And that’s fun, and it’s funny.’ – ContraPoints

‘But Wall Street people are in fact very smart; they’re funny, they’re not company men who work their way up the chain.’ – Paul Krugman

”Crash’ came from personal experience. I saw things inside me from living in L.A. that made me uncomfortable. I saw horrible things in people and saw terrible things in myself. I saw a black director completely humiliated, but the three people around me just thought it was funny. ‘No,’ I said, ‘that is selling your soul.” – Paul Haggis

‘Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.’ – P. J. O’Rourke

‘Objectifying is kind of a funny thing. Art is objectification, all art, because you’re taking someone and making them into an object. But people can also talk back more to you when you’re sketching them. They can look at you and say, ‘Oh man, you got me wrong.” – Molly Crabapple

‘When ‘Toast’ got on Netflix, I noticed a difference. It was something I thought that only myself and a few people would find funny, and suddenly it’s on a very large platform. Now it kind of belongs to everyone.’ – Matt Berry

‘I was the kind nobody thought could make it. I had a funny Boston accent. I couldn’t pronounce my R’s. I wasn’t a beauty.’ – Barbara Walters

‘Do you know, it’s funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.’ – Stevie Wonder

‘To me, writing is remembering something funny that happened, or maybe something I said seven years ago.’ – Matthew Perry

‘I’m going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I’m going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do.’ – Steve Harvey

‘I’m fascinated with the stories that we tell. Real histories become fantasies and fairy tales, morality tales and fables. There’s something interesting and funny and perverse about the way fairytale sometimes passes for history, for truth.’ – Kara Walker

‘Comedy is only funny when there’s real pain.’ – Sebastian Stan

‘Comedians, we’re just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. Like, if Jerry Seinfeld wasn’t funny, you’d want to punch him in the face; he’d just seem like a whiner to you. But the fact is that he’s funny.’ – Artie Lange

‘I look at old performance videos now, and it’s really funny – I thought I was such a gangster!’ – Becky G

‘I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it, and I feel guilty saying that, but it’s the truth. I love my work, but it ain’t easy.’ – Madeline Kahn

‘Justice Scalia and I served together on the D.C. Circuit. So his votes are not surprising to me. What I like about him is that he’s very funny and very smart.’ – Ruth Bader Ginsburg

‘Shashank is a very sweet guy. He is very funny and down to earth both. At the same time, he is humble and it is this nature that makes it easy to work with him.’ – Sargun Mehta

‘I mean, autographs are so funny. I don’t think it’s good to encourage that sort of thing. Why do people want to have an autograph? What does it do for you?’ – Hope Sandoval

‘Thing is, I’m a funny actor, but I’m not good at being funny. I’m going to ramble for a second: I’m an actor who can make things funny in the moment, like in stakes or in circumstances or out of character.’ – Matthew Lillard

‘If I’m in a serious play, I often think to myself, ‘I could make that line funny.” – Eve Arden

‘It sounds funny, but I always try to keep an open mind about what I’m writing about. Sometimes I squeak my opinions in there, but generally I don’t. I try to be objective about things that I’m writing about.’ – John Mellencamp

‘The original outline for ‘Mississippi Grind’ was actually an attempt to go funny. But when we showed it to people we realized that maybe it wasn’t as funny to other people as it was to us – we have a pretty specific sense of what’s funny – and then we thought, O.K., we need to do this more like we would actually make one of our movies.’ – Ryan Fleck

‘It’s funny, because ‘Arrested Development’ is tied to Andy Richter in a few different ways. For me personally, after I did Andy Richter, one of the next things I did was a show called ‘Quintuplets’ for a season for Fox, and this was while ‘Arrested Development’ was on. I used to go over and hang out on their set.’ – Andy Richter

‘My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.’ – Jeff Ross

‘It’s a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not just funny but so insightful about human behavior.’ – Scarlett Johansson

‘Y’know, it’s funny: I didn’t think I’d be playing ‘Hold The Line’ at 60 years old. I was 19 when I first played that.’ – Steve Lukather

‘Comedy is subjective, and any joke can be funny.’ – Phoebe Robinson

‘It’s truly a new day ever since we graced the WWE Universe with our presence. Every time we come out there, you see us being funny, having fun, entertaining people and, of course, preaching the power of positivity. That’s what New Day is all about.’ – Kofi Kingston

‘There is some humour in ‘Family Values.’ I don’t want everyone to think it’s not going to make them laugh. But there are quite a lot of poems there that aren’t funny at all.’ – Wendy Cope

‘It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.’ – Gilbert K. Chesterton

‘I love when guys are funny. I love guys that are funny and goofy and over the top. And you know, I really like personality. I do.’ – Kaley Cuoco

‘I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.’ – Christian Bale

‘Honestly, I am a very funny person, and I love making others laugh.’ – Nikki Tamboli

‘Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers… for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.’ – Amy Poehler

‘My first band was called Nubert Circus, a very embarrassing, dumb name. It means nothing. We were kind of grunge. I would say we were more funny punk, a lot of songs about food and stuff like that.’ – Phil Elverum

‘Watching someone getting really angry can be very funny – if it doesn’t affect you, you can laugh at it, and the sillier the thing he’s angry about, the funnier it is.’ – Michael Che

”Wonder Showzen’ is one of my favorite shows of all time. When I first saw it, I thought it was so funny and new and original and edgy and insane and subversive. I didn’t know comedy could do that. It redefined what I thought you could do with a TV show.’ – Eric Andre

‘I’m most drawn to characters who are compelling and repellant at the same time, very often right at the same moment, and who are frightening and funny all at once.’ – James Spader

‘It’s so funny because when I talk about fashion and menswear designers, it’s really like a small percentage of my head. I don’t mind talking about it, but I always worry that it’s gonna seem to the outside world that that’s all I think about.’ – Albert Hammond, Jr.

‘It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I’m not perfect. I’m a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong or when I don’t do well.’ – Nick Jonas

‘Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing.’ – Elle King

‘Everything seems fine until you’re about 40. Then something is definitely beginning to go wrong. And you look in the mirror with your old habit of thinking, ‘While I accept that everyone grows old and dies, it’s a funny thing, but I’m an exception to that rule.” – Martin Amis

‘I know the nature of comedy, and you never know what will happen with the next movie or whether people will find it funny.’ – Will Ferrell

‘I don’t know. I think it’s funny! I think it’s funny! I go, what? It’s so absurd. I’m alone.’ – Danny DeVito

‘I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?’ – Tom Brady

‘Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world – and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I’d like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy – a mixture of the two would be hot.’ – Justin Bieber

‘Girls are supposed to be feminine and demure. Comedy isn’t about that, so you just have to unlearn it. Certain women are so pretty, they can’t go weird enough to be funny. You have to be willing to be ugly. I’m lucky my face can look so hideous.’ – Jennifer Coolidge

‘All I care about is making jokes that are funny and making people laugh.’ – Joel McHale

‘That’s why ‘Gangnam Style’ works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it’s just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it’s funny.’ – Psy

‘I detest jokes – when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn’t know it’s funny or doesn’t treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it’s a sort of rage against society.’ – Johnny Depp

‘It’s funny what a few no-hitters do for a body.’ – Satchel Paige

‘When I have had a long day at work, I want something to watch that is funny, lighthearted and easy to get into, and reality is that. I’m not really into serious programmes or documentaries.’ – Amy Childs

‘The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.’ – Kevin Hart

‘The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny…’ – Isaac Asimov’ – Isaac Asimov

‘It’s a funny thing. I’ll be in my home town of Columbus at a restaurant or something, and the waiter maybe asks, ‘What do you do?’ and I say, ‘Oh, I’m in a band… Twenty One Pilots,’ and he’ll say, ‘Cool, I’ll check it out. I never heard of them.’ And then I say, ‘In September we’re playing the Schottenstein Center,’ and it’s like, ‘What?!” – Tyler Joseph

‘I like drama. I love being in a drama where I get to be the funny guy. That’s what I really love the most.’ – John Leguizamo

‘Every time I’m in Canada I feel more Swedish, and every time I’m in Sweden I feel more Canadian. I belong in both places and I love them both equally. It’s funny because the Swedes claim me as their Swedish pride and the Canadians call me their Canadian girl. I’ll take it all.’ – Malin Akerman

‘It’s funny, I had dinner with my dear friend John Spencer last night and I’m not in the first episode, but he’s at the beginning of it and he was telling me about it and I thought this sounds very hot because I think this is definitely the last year of West Wing.’ – Stockard Channing

‘For years I used to bore my wife over lunch with stories about funny incidents.’ – James Herriot

‘What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.’ – Steven Wright

‘Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter.’ – Carol Burnett

‘I grew up playing hockey and some football, and I always think about the first time you walk into the locker room on a new team. The cliques are looking at you funny, and you make one friend, but then they’re trying to stab you in the back.’ – Aaron Douglas

‘It is always funny to see a grown man bully get beat up by a little girl or anything.’ – Kenny Omega

‘I was a drummer in the bugle band in cadets. I marched. It’s probably quite funny to look back on it.’ – Gordon Lightfoot

‘As a kid, I had to be funny.’ – Jamie Farr

‘I didn’t plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it’s juvenile, but that’s me.’ – Jimmy Carr

‘It’s a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain.’ – Rick Baker

‘It’s funny, sometimes life just comes down to bringing a little bit of light to somebody when you can.’ – Derek Trucks

‘Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.’ – Will Rogers

‘Experience is a funny thing. You don’t always have it when you need it.’ – Patrick Chan

‘Most of my show is true; like, 90% of everything I say on stage is true. I just have to find the way to make it funny – that’s the difficult thing.’ – Trevor Noah

‘It’s funny, when bands or younger musicians ask me: ‘So, what does it take to make it?’ Well, first explain to me what you mean by ‘making it’: Do you want to be a rock star or do you want music to be your livelihood?’ – Eddie Van Halen

‘I wasn’t interested in football. It made me different. I wore glasses, had bad hair, a funny name, you name it.’ – Rupert Friend

‘I’d say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he’s just, he’s talking about serious things, but in a funny way. Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don’t know what’s going on.’ – Norm MacDonald

‘If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial.’ – John Mulaney

‘Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.’ – Steve Martin

‘My brother and I loved ‘ThunderCats’ and Robin Williams coming out of an egg in ‘Mork & Mindy.’ At the time, I thought it was funny, but looking back, it was a crazy concept!’ – Shaun Evans

‘I’m constantly fighting the angry black woman stigma, the ‘You’re pretty, you can’t be funny’ stigma.’ – Amanda Seales

‘I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny. And wonderful.’ – Taylor Swift

‘Fashion is really funny because it’s something that should be subjective, but there are clear things that are chic or not chic. There are all these rules, but if the right person breaks a rule, then it becomes a trend.’ – Erin Foster

‘Funny is when you’re serious.’ – Harvey Korman

‘When I first envisioned ‘Funny Games’ in the mid-1990s, it was my intention to have an American audience watch the movie. It is a reaction to a certain American cinema, its violence, its naivety, the way American cinema toys with human beings. In many American films, violence is made consumable.’ – Michael Haneke

‘Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.’ – Maya Angelou

‘Being called a ‘music legend’ is a very funny thing. It’s nice to know that my work has been appreciated and that people have given me that status. On a personal level, however, I can’t think about it too much. It means a lot… but then it doesn’t.’ – Chris Squire

‘I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what’s so funny? I have days when I’m absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don’t understand it.’ – Lil’ Kim

‘I’m quite sarcastic, and I’m funny, but not kind of funny. It’s a weird funny, and some people don’t get me, and some people do.’ – Millie Bobby Brown

‘The parrot’s so funny. He imitates me and I don’t even realize he’s doing it. I’m walking around the house talking to myself and whistling and the next day he’s said something I’ve said… it’s scary you know?’ – Mick Ralphs

‘I am the funny, crazy person.’ – Loni Love

‘I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.’ – Leonardo DiCaprio

‘I love shifting between being super cute and aggressive. It’s funny.’ – Sigrid

‘Sometimes I think what I write is funny in its quiet way.’ – Doris Lessing

‘There is always something funny going on between scenes with Adam Sandler. He’s always cracking jokes and yelling at people for no reason. It’s pretty funny. He’ll joke around during scenes, too. When he guest-starred on ‘Jessie,’ there was nothing in the script that he said first take.’ – Cameron Boyce

‘Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It’s a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, ‘Isn’t it funny that we do that?’ It’s a way of reaching out.’ – Kate McKinnon

‘I’ve always found it funny in life when you meet people who are incredibly stupid and incredibly confident at the same time. Actually, there is nothing funnier. I mean, Donald Trump is a perfect example: he’s essentially a seven-year-old on a podium.’ – Justin Theroux

‘It’s a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it’s when you discover that your wife left you in May.’ – Denis Norden

‘I served 18 months in Northern Ireland and that was very scary. I remember when we were told do you want the good news or the bad news first. We wanted the good news – we’re going to Cyprus. The bad news? We’re going to Northern Ireland first. All the black blokes looked at each other and thought, ‘that’s really funny.” – Nigel Benn

‘I guess when I think about it, one of the things I like to dramatise, and what is sometimes funny, is someone coming unglued. I don’t consider myself someone who is making the argument that I support these choices. I just think it can be funny.’ – Wes Anderson

‘It’s funny – I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I’m rounder in the face, I like to say, ‘This is my long-term look.’ Or ‘This is my wife-and-kids look right here.” – Garrett Hedlund

‘It’s obviously funny to be a meme, so I could be down with it in that regard, but it also belittles one’s art.’ – Grimes

‘Turns out you have a really fun time if you go to work every day and focus on being silly and funny and happy!’ – Hannah Murray

‘My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.’ – Bill Burr

‘Passion and kindness are the most attractive qualities. Sense of humour is up there, but kindness becomes more important as you get older. You realise the funny, charming ones aren’t always the best people.’ – Roisin Conaty

‘I’m the youngest in my family, and everyone is very funny, and I was always trying to keep up with them. I just loved making people laugh.’ – Lisa Kudrow

‘Crashing is never funny, but sometimes you can jump up, laugh at your stupidity, and go, ‘What the hell was that?’ – Jens Voigt’ – Jens Voigt

‘I am funny. No one else thinks I am funny. But I am funny.’ – Lorraine Bracco

‘Literary dementia seems dated now, but there was a time when a month in the funny farm was as de rigueur for budding writers as an M.F.A. is now. To be sent away was a badge of honor; to undergo electroshock, a glorious martyrdom.’ – Walter Kirn

‘It’s so funny because I listen to songs that I recorded that I didn’t really know anything about at the time. Later on I’m starting to feel the songs. Sing them first, feel them later.’ – Tanya Tucker

‘During the Great Depression, when people laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one.’ – Jerry Stiller

‘I really started to enjoy Instagram more recently because it’s something that shows people what I’m doing and what I’m going through, but it’s so simple. I don’t have to come up with something witty; it’s just a funny photo, and you can be as artistic or as plain Jane as you want.’ – Alex Morgan

‘In terms of the creative side of it, it’s really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is usually at a bar or out talking to people or whatever.’ – Trey Parker

‘It’s funny, but no matter how good an artist is, it’s not until he stands on his own two feet and sticks to his guns that things are going to come together.’ – Keith Whitley

‘Novels are not about expressing yourself, they’re about something beautiful, funny, clever and organic. Self-expression? Go and ring a bell in a yard if you want to express yourself.’ – Zadie Smith

‘Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.’ – Don Rickles

‘It’s funny how things change slowly, until the day we realize they’ve changed completely.’ – Nancy Gibbs

‘I grew up with an extremely funny dad, and my mom is super funny.’ – Paula Pell

‘All the people who run agencies, all the important people in agencies have taken communication courses, marketing courses, advertising courses, and courses basically teach advertising as a science, and advertising is so far from a science it isn’t even funny. Advertising is an art.’ – George Lois

‘I’ll stick to finding the funny in the ordinary because my life is pretty ordinary and so are the lives of my friends – and my friends are hilarious.’ – Issa Rae

‘I’m always thinking of stuff; I just don’t sit down and write it. I come up with material more as I go along; if something funny happens, I’ll make a note of it on my phone.’ – Wanda Sykes

‘If you’re talking about Java in particular, Python is about the best fit you can get amongst all the other languages. Yet the funny thing is, from a language point of view, JavaScript has a lot in common with Python, but it is sort of a restricted subset.’ – Guido van Rossum

‘I like all Jim Carrey films. They’re really funny.’ – Rupert Grint

‘It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children.’ – Alan Alda

‘Hemingway seems to be in a funny position. People nowadays can’t identify with him closely as a member of their own generation, and he isn’t yet historical.’ – Leslie Fiedler

‘I don’t mean to sound – I don’t want it to come out funny, but I don’t like show business. I love – I love acting in films. I love it.’ – Gene Wilder

‘You never saw Peter Sellers the actor trying to make you laugh. All he was doing was the character. What I’m saying is that I don’t think you should know you’re in a movie. I don’t like it when actors are winking at the audience and saying, ‘Right, isn’t this funny? Are you with me?” – Steve Carell

‘It’s funny: in the middle of making ‘The Muse,’ I was offered, at the time, the first ‘Ice Age,’ the part that Ray Romano took: I was offered the elephant. And I couldn’t even stop to breathe, so I didn’t do it. They’ve made, like, six of them. And in the animation business, for a voice actor, that’s what you want. You want six, you know?’ – Albert Brooks

‘I think I was the only person in my experimental film class doing comedy. But my sense of humor and a lot of comedy that I love is quite surreal and strange, you know? You could argue that ‘Monty Python’ is experimental film. It just happens to be really funny.’ – Andy Samberg

‘My company is known for being funny as well as moving. You get a bit of everything in these shows. I think people know they’re going to have a surprising experience.’ – Matthew Bourne

‘Johnny Rotten. He’s a big fan of mine. I used to see him out in the audience in England and he’d stand up and holler. He’s funny. Smart too, and a nice guy. Don’t think he’s a jerk because he isn’t.’ – Captain Beefheart

‘A funny thing happened on the way to the election – I got to the Senate first.’ – Pierre Salinger

‘Anything that I can do with Jennie Garth, I would love to do it. I really like her. I got along with her really well, and I enjoyed her perspective on life. I think she’s really talented and very, very funny.’ – Cameron Mathison

‘It’s funny how all of this has worked out – I wasn’t popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I’m throwing up.’ – Jimmy Kimmel

‘What’s funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can’t wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, ‘Can you do these for my son’s Bar Mitzvah?” – Meghan Markle

‘Atlanta might have snow and Macon might have good weather, and they’re not really far apart. But there’s a period of time in the year where the gnats get all over your face and they bite you. And the Macon crowd, it’s funny, but they can sit there like nothing’s happening and there can be gnats just biting the hell out of your face.’ – Mike Leach

”Hustle’ is wonderfully enjoyable because all my life, I’ve made an effort to be with people who can make me laugh. That original cast – Marc Warren, Jaime Murray, Robert Glenister and Adrian Lester – are all funny. So I know every day I’ll have a few good laughs.’ – Robert Vaughn

‘I have way more freedom in Los Angeles and in the U.S. But it’s funny because when I have a meeting with producers or people from the industry, we go to a restaurant to meet someone, and nobody knows me. But all of the sudden, the entire kitchen comes out, and they start taking pictures with me, or at valet parking.’ – Eugenio Derbez

‘Chris Farley, I was a huge fan of his growing up. I would love to do something kind of slapstick and funny, maybe where I could change my look even a little bit.’ – Jaimie Alexander

‘A funny thing happened to me on the way to the White House.’ – Adlai Stevenson II

‘When I was doing ensemble theater and comedy work, I felt I had some talents. But when I started doing my shows in Berkeley and found that I could be funny on my own, I was shocked.’ – Whoopi Goldberg

‘It’s really funny – when I’m depressed or I’m having a hard time, I’ll write really fun stuff. And then when I’m really happy, I write really depressing stuff.’ – Kathleen Hanna

‘Funny enough though, despite what Donald Trump has to say and the way African-American people are portrayed so often in media, African-American people can have a leaning to be very conservative.’ – Lynn Whitfield

‘I have a funny name.’ – Pia Zadora

‘It doesn’t matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it’s funny, it’s funny.’ – Tommy Cooper

‘Probably spending 12 years at boarding school – comedy became a survival gene. But I think some people are funny right off the bat, as soon as they can speak or be naughty.’ – Eric Idle

‘It’s weird because I grew up in this town, so the things I really dug, I was constantly around them. Like Alyssa Milano – I had the biggest crush on her from TV, but I also saw her around town at parties. It’s just funny.’ – Dante Basco

‘One of my best friends growing up was Vietnamese, and he and his mom would teach me how to say certain things so I could impress my nail girls. Then the nail girls would teach me how to count to 100 and basic things like ‘Thank you’ and ‘You’re welcome.’ It’s funny, because any accent that I do now always turns into Vietnamese.’ – Anjelah Johnson

‘It’s a funny business. I kind of compare it to baseball. I’m always looking for a home run.’ – Billy Mays

”Ted Lasso’ is still funny and it still points fingers and holds truth to power. But it does it in a way that feels like it’s a net gain rather than somebody losing out.’ – Phil Dunster

‘To do something funny, you have to have experienced it in real life and digested it in a way that amuses you.’ – Ted Danson

‘The key to doing ‘Harold and Kumar’ movies is you make it earnest. Primarily what we do is make Harold and Kumar’s relationship and friendship believable, and we don’t actually work on being that funny.’ – John Cho

‘What I fell in love with as a child was ‘My Fair Lady,’ ‘Funny Face,’ ‘American in Paris,’ and ‘Singin’ in the Rain.’ Just perfect movies to me and I was dancing. I started ballet when I was three. And I fell in love with those movies and fell in love with Audrey Hepburn and Leslie Caron.’ – Dianna Agron

‘I remember watching Margaret Cho with my grandmother on TV. She was my hero, not only because she was funny, but because she showed me that it’s okay to be yourself, that it’s okay to be a brash yellow girl and to be a strong and brave woman.’ – Awkwafina

‘Acting is all about big hair and funny props… All the great actors knew it. Olivier knew it, Brando knew it.’ – Harold Ramis

‘It’s funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.’ – Corey Feldman

‘My cheerleader part in ‘Fired Up!’ is really funny.’ – Julianna Guill

‘I play these sort of comical instruments I invented, like the electric rake and the electric plunger. I do a lot of almost stand-up comedy material. Just the juxtaposition of the different styles in itself sometimes is funny. Like, I do sort of an acoustic version of ‘Purple Haze’ that has some bluegrass licks in it.’ – Eugene Chadbourne

‘I think there are a lot of shows out there that value being hip or cool over being funny and heartfelt.’ – Alex Hirsch

‘I’ve got a sense of humor. I’m a funny guy.’ – Daryl Hall

‘When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.” – Steven Wright

‘Mistakes can be funny. I drove a car into a bollard and it was pretty amusing because it was while I was showing off that I was a really good driver.’ – Lou Sanders

‘You know, he would go and look at different funny books because he wanted his character to be different and make different faces. I saw a funny book in his room and it looked like the same character he was playing. It was about a duck.’ – Bubba Smith

‘What’s so funny about cats is that they have this kind of aloof, superior vibe to them. Even if you love them, they are unpredictable. Dogs are more social, and the way that they attach and bond to us is much more human.’ – Ze Frank

‘Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley’s very funny, very witty guy, very quick.’ – Joe Rogan

‘In order for comedy to be funny you have to play the truth of the moment. But if you’re not being completely truthful to the basis of the character, its not going to be funny.’ – Stephen Root

‘It’s so funny, you go to acting school thinking you’re going to learn how to be other people, but really it taught me how to be myself. Because it’s in understanding yourself deeply that you can lend yourself to another person’s circumstances and another person’s experience.’ – Lupita Nyong’o

‘I was determined to make a movie – about families and a love story – that black women would be proud to see and which would depict them as being smart, loving, sensitive, sexy, and funny.’ – Salim Akil

‘They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that? – Casey Stengel’ – Casey Stengel

‘We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.’ – J. K. Rowling

‘As a teenager, I found a lot of courage through people on the television being funny or subversive.’ – Simon Amstell

‘Only man has dignity; only man, therefore, can be funny.’ – Ronald Knox

‘It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are.’ – Matt Lauer

‘What I hope to do in the States is to break up this stereotyping of Muslims and Arabs. I mean, we are basically the only sub-culture that is not represented in Hollywood. And it’s funny because everybody is talking about the Muslim world and the Arab world, and we are not represented.’ – Bassem Youssef

‘I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that when you’re starting out in comedy, it’s the audience that tells you what’s funny about you. And you need to listen to that and make a note of that.’ – Mike Birbiglia

‘You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it’s kind of a lifestyle and it’s easy to get caught up in it – you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone’s doing a certain thing… It’s tough.’ – Eminem

‘You know how old I am? I’m so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That’s how old I am.’ – Rush Limbaugh

‘Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn’t funny. It’s a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it’s not a surprise anymore.’ – Garrison Keillor

‘My dad’s pretty funny. He’s funny for all of the wrong reasons. The first time I did standup at Edinburgh he sat in the front row and wore sunglasses because he didn’t want to put me off.’ – Ellie Taylor

‘I don’t think just funny is enough on Broadway.’ – Don Knotts

‘Adventure games are all about details – if you happen to take this one object and use it with this other object, in a really weird place, at a weird time. If you happen to write a really funny dialogue line for that, even if it didn’t solve the puzzle, people will appreciate that.’ – Tim Schafer

‘When I met the Beatles, they were wearing these funny little leather jackets, which inspired me. I had a suit made for myself out of fine, good black leather. It looked different. I was using leather but putting a different fashion angle on how it looked.’ – Astrid Kirchherr

‘L.A. gets a bad rap, but that’s not the case. Everybody’s like a real family out here. I think a lot of that comes from UCB Theatre, Amy Poehler, Matt Walsh, Matt Besser, and Ian Roberts. They’re really funny, but they’re also upstanding people.’ – Jason Nash

‘Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren’t about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.’ – Ice Cube

‘I love doing funny promos like the ones I did wrestling Rey Mysterio.’ – Kurt Angle

‘All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.’ – Mitch Hedberg

‘Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be.’ – Dolly Parton

‘My goal is really to just make people laugh with integrity, like, with something that I still find funny.’ – Ali Wong

‘Everyone tells me I have a funny accent. It’s because I copy people. I learned English at school but have best friends who are French, Australian, English and American; a very weird mix.’ – Caroline Winberg

‘I tend to develop my rambling anecdotes by actually getting up and performing them. That’s the joy/horror of stand up – if you have the germ of an idea that you think might be funny, there is a way of finding out if it’s funny very quickly.’ – Greg Davies

‘I was very moved by shows that combined things that were funny and sad. I remember liking ‘Simpsons’ episodes in which emotions were central.’ – Raphael Bob-Waksberg

‘The funny story was that I actually quite fancied David’s best friend Jerome first, and then Jerome let me down easy that he was gay. He’s now one of my best friends and I married David.’ – Monica Galetti

‘Ironing boards are a classic example of something I find horrible about modern society: the excitementation, for want of a better word, of mundane things. Funny ironing board covers – I hate them.’ – Daniel Radcliffe

‘I like the hot-cold, the sugar-salt, being able to play over-the-top and dramatic things – in the same film. Just as in my life, I can be very funny and at other times almost extinguished.’ – Jean Dujardin

‘Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money?’ – Ogden Nash

‘My grandmother was very funny. It skipped a generation.’ – Richard Belzer

‘Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.’ – Kevin Hart

‘The boys, they are laughing: ‘Oh, you are boxing. Very funny.’ But I always challenge when people are laughing – ‘I’ll show you one day.’ After getting five times world champion, they are all quiet. And they respect me.’ – Mary Kom

”Dirty Rotten Scoundrels’ is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director – who were just fun.’ – Steve Martin

‘Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.’ – Jerry Seinfeld

‘My mother was a nurse, and in her era, most diseases weren’t understood; people put mustard plasters on knees and rubbed camphor on your chest if you had a cough and did funny things to you if you had tuberculosis – all these things that really made very little difference once proper treatments were brought in.’ – Barry Marshall

‘I actually went to see ‘Rushmore,’ and I came late, and I missed myself. It was great, that scene. I caught that scene the other day on TV, funny enough, the first scene that you see with Jason Schwartzman and myself, where we talk about his grades. That’s a brilliant scene, and I have to say, we play it brilliantly.’ – Brian Cox

‘Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.’ – George Bernard Shaw

‘It’s funny, man, sometimes you record something that you plan on re-doing later, but then when you listen back to it, you decide to keep it because you realize that it’s gonna be real tough to beat!’ – Dimebag Darrell

‘I got a lot of support from my parents. That’s the one thing I always appreciated. They didn’t tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.’ – Jim Carrey

‘Whenever a film allows you to think and feel and take it beyond the moment, I think it’s achieved something. And ‘Funny Games’ does that.’ – Naomi Watts

‘I basically started performing for my mother, going, ‘Love me!’ What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.’ – Robin Williams

‘There is something irresistibly funny about a funeral. More basically, I think the point is that beyond the deepest tragedy, there is laughter. Even in the midst of tragedy, there is always the possibility for it.’ – Del Close

‘The American audience has really opened up to women being A.) funny and B.) kinda crude. ‘Bridesmaids’ is R-rated, and I think it was a major coup for women to have an R-rated comedy that did really well. Same as ‘Bad Teacher.” – Chris Pratt

‘My first gigs were at university: I’d dress up as Jesus, jump off a cross and dance to a Mick Jagger song. I don’t know if it was funny or not, but it was a start.’ – Noel Fielding

‘This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, ‘I know you. You’re that wee golfer, aren’t you?’ I say, ‘Yeah, that’s me.’ They say, ‘Keep it up, wee man.’ It’s very funny and that’s why I want to stay here as long as possible.’ – Rory McIlroy

‘There is a saying that if you get something for free, you should know that you’re the product. It was never more true than in the case of Facebook and Gmail and YouTube. You get free social-media services, and you get free funny cat videos. In exchange, you give up the most valuable asset you have, which is your personal data.’ – Yuval Noah Harari

‘I want to be funny and interesting and compelling.’ – Colin Cowherd

‘Even for natives, French satire is rarely laugh-out-loud funny. Its unspoken punch line is typically that things have gone irrevocably wrong, and the government is to blame.’ – Pamela Druckerman

‘I’m usually sort of ambiguous in terms of whether I’m playing a good person or a bad person. I can walk that line of funny but also dark, and I’m happy doing that.’ – Amy Hill

‘I find heartbreaking stuff really funny.’ – Limmy

‘I was never funny. I’d be funny once a year at Christmas. I’d do impressions of how people talked and danced, but that stopped when I was about 11.’ – Carlos Mencia

‘Life is funny, and a lot of times, the people that I’ve met have really gone past anything that I’ve ever dreamed of, so I’m really grateful. My friendships really go from the West to the East. You’d be amazed at some of the people I call friends.’ – BeBe Winans

‘I grew up a skinny kid with a funny last name and coke bottle glasses, so I experienced my fair share of bullies. But I learned, with the help of humor and resilience, to never give up.’ – John Hickenlooper

‘If there’s something funny to be said, I will say it.’ – Kevin Owens

‘It’s a funny show. The characters are surprisingly likable, given how ugly they are. We’ve got this huge cast of characters that we can move around. And over the last few seasons, we’ve explored some of the secondary characters’ personal lives a bit more.’ – Matt Groening

‘We’ve all seen comedians look like they’re reaching just a little bit too much for the laugh. This is counterproductive. The conceit of standup is that it is effortless, which makes the prospect of generating new comedy a tricky one: you are trying to be funny without looking like you are trying to be funny.’ – Romesh Ranganathan

‘I just like the continue doing what I’ve been doing. A melange of funny, straight drama, television, movies, a little theater here and there wouldn’t hurt. So if I can keep doing that, I’ll be a very happy person.’ – Mary Tyler Moore

‘I consider myself very lucky. God has a funny way of bringing some things around and knocking you in the head with the ultimate destination. Something I should have achieved quite easily took me a long time to get around to. It came in His time, not mine.’ – Jim Morris

‘In terms of sheer pleasure, Tom Stoppard was very big for me because he is so funny and so smart, and it felt delicious reading him.’ – Greta Gerwig

‘There are a lot of funny motels. There was one motel in the middle of nowhere: it was real plain, but it had a gigantic green monster, something like the Creature from the Black Lagoon, standing next to this lake.’ – Fred Schneider

‘I enjoy doing comedy that is why I pursue it. I believe that life is hard enough already and full of drama so I find things that are funny to use as material.’ – Kim Wayans

‘Everybody in my family’s funny. Being funny was highly encouraged in our family, I think.’ – Catherine O’Hara

‘Kyriakos Papadopoulos is really funny. So is Karim Bellarabi. They are full of jokes in the dressing room.’ – Son Heung-min

‘God hadn’t made me handsome, but he’d given me something, I always felt: funny bones.’ – Jerry Lewis

‘I think that I identify with Philadelphia for a lot of reasons. Without even thinking about it, I called myself ‘Philly’s Constant Hitmaker’ when I first got a MySpace, before I had any real hits. It was kind of just a funny slogan, basically lifted from the Rolling Stones’ first album, ‘England’s Newest Hit Makers.” – Kurt Vile

‘I’m a funny guy. You’ve got to be able to make fun of yourself. We only live once.’ – Jon Pardi

‘For a long time, I refused to wear jeans. I liked high-waisted pants, but jeans made me feel like I wasn’t being unique. Even now, I won’t wear the skinny-jeans style, because most people wear those – they have to be baggier, boyfriend-looking, or sort of like a mom jean. I’m real funny that way.’ – Elle Fanning

‘I come across as a very serious and mature girl but there is also a mad and funny side to me which I hope the house is comfortable enough that it comes out naturally. The thing is this side of me is only known to people I am comfortable with.’ – Neha Pendse

‘I’m not a fan of any genre but am a fan of movies that are intelligent and/or funny. That goes across all genres: a horror movie, a zombie movie, alien invaders, chick flick, or raunchy comedy. If it’s well done, I’m a fan.’ – J. K. Simmons

‘I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips.’ – R. L. Stine

‘I’m almost always trying to be funny, even when I’m on my own. I think it’s the desire to channel my anger and frustration into something more positive than sitting at home being unpleasant.’ – Jon Richardson

‘I don’t care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard.’ – Jenna McCarthy

‘James Caan told me at the end of filming ‘Elf’ that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny – and I never was.’ – Will Ferrell

”A Bug’s Life’ is a really funny movie and the characters have such different personalities. The movie is happy and then gets really sad and I’m like, W’hoa, I’m feeling this way and this movie is about bugs!” – Booboo Stewart

‘And the funny thing is, I’ve always been an optimist – it’s practically a congenital disorder with me.’ – Molly Ivins

‘It’s grueling never knowing if the audience is going to think you’re funny. It’s soul-destroying when they don’t laugh.’ – Vince Vaughn

‘I liked getting the best villain award. I thought that was funny.’ – Stephen Dorff

‘Scenes change all the time. Scenes will change while you’re shooting them, and you just have to roll with it ’cause that’s what makes it funny. It’s not being stuck in your character and how you’re gonna do something, but to react to other people and to really have a real-life conversation.’ – Yara Shahidi

‘I have played old ladies since I was 17 years old, and very convincingly. I’ve always looked funny and was too tall to play the leads and so had to play the grandmothers.’ – Geraldine Page

‘I’m very silly as a person, but quality silliness on-screen has more of an art to it. Harrison Ford, whom I was in ‘Morning Glory’ with, has mastered that dry funny better than anyone.’ – Rachel McAdams

‘There’s a funny thing about fame. The truth is you run as fast as you can towards it because it’s everything you want. Not just the fame but what it represents, meaning work, meaning opportunity. And then you get there, and it’s shocking how immediately you become enveloped in this world that is incredibly restricting.’ – George Clooney

‘I am a big fan of Jeremy Clarkson and I love watching him on TV and reading his various columns. I think he’s funny and irreverent and adds to the gaiety of nations.’ – Julia Hartley-Brewer

‘George Carlin maintained that anything and everything is funny given the right context. This context also includes your own history with a given group. What I can get away with and where I can go is not a problem with my audience because they know me.’ – Paul Provenza

‘I loved cartoons as a kid, and so many funny moments in animation for me are nonverbal sounds, unarticulated mouth noise.’ – Alan Tudyk

‘The music industry is really funny, when you have a hit record, everyone knows who are you, everyone wants to do duets with you, then if you have a miss, people suffer from amnesia.’ – Seal

‘Vicodin, I got addicted to that little pill. The reason I don’t talk about it too much in the press is because it isn’t funny, and I love to be funny in interviews. If you joke about that period in your life, it doesn’t seem right.’ – Matthew Perry

‘What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating.’ – Scott Hamilton

‘Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.’ – Susan Sontag

‘Being effective at social media, whether for business or personal use, means capturing people who have short attention spans. They’re only a click away from a picture of a funny cat, so you have to make your thing more compelling than that cat. And that can be a high bar.’ – Alexis Ohanian

‘It’s funny: the reason I did ‘Beautiful Creatures’ was the same reason I did everything else – even though it was a genre film and existed at a more studio level, the script and the characters were so well written.’ – Alden Ehrenreich

‘It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.’ – Gertrude Stein

‘In ‘The Sound of Music,’ I was a von Trapp daughter in a white dress with a blue satin sash, and my line was, ‘I’m Brigitta. I’m 12, and all I want is a good time.’ I got a laugh. And I was so delighted, I laughed, too. Sadly, that’s a problem I still have – onstage, I laugh hysterically at how funny I am.’ – Hugh Grant

‘I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.’ – John Mulaney

‘The whole point about laughter is it’s like mercury: you can’t catch it, you can’t catch what motivates it – that’s why it’s funny.’ – Mike Nichols

‘I’m so bad at dancing that I’ve actually been in two movies where the director of the film saw me dancing and thought it was so funny that in one movie they had me do it as the mental dancing of a real simple person. The other one was, like, to-be-laughed-at dancing. That’s how bad my dancing is.’ – Emily Hampshire

‘I was born to be funny.’ – Buddy Hackett

‘I did a lot of sitcoms, and being funny isn’t about being beautiful. Usually, beautiful people aren’t the funny people.’ – Maura Tierney

‘Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens.’ – David Hyde Pierce

‘It’s a weird thing. Rick Springfield wrote ‘Jessie’s Girl,’ and he probably gets sick of talking about ‘Jessie’s Girl.’ The thing is, I didn’t write ‘Blurred Lines.’ I didn’t direct the music video. I’m really happy for the success, but it is kind of a funny thing to follow me around.’ – Emily Ratajkowski

‘Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.’ – Chris Rock

‘Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren’t so exciting.’ – Bill Gates

‘The funny thing is that when you have any form of presentation to your band, meaning you have the foresight to see outside of your creativity, you have a bigger vision.’ – Nikki Sixx

‘It’s funny. I change depending on what I’m around, and who I’m around. I’ve always been like that.’ – Aldous Harding

”White Collar’ is a show about the unlikely pairing of an FBI agent and an ex-con solving smart, glamorous, interesting and provocative crimes in a sometimes very funny way.’ – Tim DeKay

‘I really wanted to find a piano for the farm house. There were so many free pianos on Craigslist, I thought, ‘Let’s get as many free pianos as we can and stick them all in the barn.’ I got eight in a short period of time, only six of which were tunable, but it’s still quite funny.’ – Neko Case

‘One of the things I love about Helena Bonham Carter is that she is ravishing, but she does as much as she can to play it down and look funny. She doesn’t let her looks get in the way. I hugely respect that.’ – Eileen Atkins

‘I draw the line at filth and crude language. It seems to be an excuse for not being funny.’ – Rolf Harris

‘You can film me 24 hours a day and you’ll get a very accurate picture of who I am. You see the funny side, I work hard, and I try to be honest and just call it how it is.’ – Lisa Vanderpump

‘I’ve always loved the blues, ever since I was a kid. It has a depth to it that a lot of contemporary music doesn’t have. It has pain and suffering in it, but funny stories, too. And it is built on storytelling, which is something I really love.’ – Nickolas Ashford

‘It’s funny to see how ridiculous the fourth estate is and how horrible the media is.’ – Jimmy Dore

‘I reach for funny books all the time to help me get through life.’ – Laurie Halse Anderson

‘I don’t mean to be funny.’ – Yogi Berra

‘At the end of the day it’s got to be a good movie, it’s got to be a funny movie, and it’s got to make people think, ‘Hey, I couldn’t have spent my time any better.” – Tom Hanks

‘If you’re OK with being clumsy, it’s funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you.’ – Leo Howard

‘I never looked at myself as the fat sister. Sometimes I would beat people to the punch and say, ‘Oh I’m the fat, funny one,’ because that’s what people would say about me. But I never really thought that.’ – Khloe Kardashian

‘I don’t hate Rod Stewart. I think he’s an incredible talent, funny, darling. Just didn’t make a good boyfriend.’ – Bebe Buell

‘Comedy’s so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn’t get it, doesn’t find it funny, then fine.’ – Johnny Vegas

‘Tim Minchin and Daniel Kitson are the two people that when I see them, I think I could never be that funny or that clever.’ – Richard Herring

‘I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.’ – Woody Allen

‘My mum passing away wasn’t funny, but that funeral and what I went through, the things that happened, looking back at it, there were funny moments. You have to be strong enough to look back at it, to sit and assess the situation.’ – Kevin Hart

‘My mum is hilarious. My dad was very, very funny too.’ – Roisin Conaty

‘When I write, I’m not trying to be funny. It’s the way I look at the world.’ – Billy Collins

‘It’s funny how God will just keep using you, and our motto around our family forever has been, ‘Just let Him use you.” – Kim Fields

‘I can apply myself to the format of ‘SNL,’ I can apply myself to the format of ‘Conan,’ but at the same time, I’m still being J. B. Smoove. I’m not changing up my style, I’m not changing up how I think, what’s funny to me, my delivery, the way I carry myself.’ – J. B. Smoove

‘I was on an army show, and in the army – especially in Korean culture – there’s a very, very strict hierarchy. Obviously, you would not talk informally or disrespectfully to your commanding officer. But me, in my limited Korean, I basically told my commanding officer, ‘Thou shalt forget!’ The Korean public thought it was really funny.’ – Amber Liu

‘I was reading some books by Michel Houellebecq, and the first thing that comes to mind is that they’re really funny, all the ways they describe the most depressing things.’ – Gaspar Noe

‘I’m happiest in nature, in trees, rivers, streams, and I’m happiest around my kid – you know that’s the funny thing, he is not always in the best of moods, but I am always happiest around him and in nature. Around my family is where I am happiest.’ – Gregory Porter

‘On ‘Lab Rats,’ I read the script probably three or four times before we ever even do a table read because I want to be completely prepared. And I want to know exactly which beats I have to hit and where I need to make something comical. Some lines need a little more than others do just to get the point across, to get the joke to be funny.’ – Billy Unger

‘I’ve never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don’t really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny.’ – Maya Rudolph

‘Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn’t know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I’m one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar.’ – John Krasinski

‘If a comic laughs at their own jokes, I don’t like it. They shouldn’t find it funny; they should seriously believe in this stupid thing they’re saying.’ – James Acaster

‘When I was in college, I was in the theater department, which for anyone who has been involved in any kind of theater program, you know that it’s really wacky and tight-knit, a real family. Me and my good friends from college would do random shows and plays that were sometimes serious, but most of the time really goofy and funny.’ – Darren Criss

‘You don’t think that mean people can be funny, and Jane Lynch is the epitome of that. If there could be, like, a gay version of ‘Mean Girls,’ I’d totally be in it.’ – Alex Newell

‘I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don’t really need a distinction between them.’ – Trevor Noah

‘How can you analyse what is funny? What’s funny to one isn’t funny to another… What’s funny to you is a personal thing.’ – Les Dawson

‘In general, the straight line of a joke sets up a premise, an expectation. Then the funny ending – the punch line – in a sense contradicts the original assumption by refusing to follow what had seemed a reasonable train of thought. Many jokes involve that simple matter of leaping outside what had appeared to be the rules of the game at the moment.’ – Steve Allen

‘I like ‘Frasier,’ I find it very funny.’ – John Virgo

‘I think cheese smells funny, but I feel bananas ‘are’ funny. I’m assuming Swamp told the whole story of the executives seriously asking us to replace the banana with cheese because they thought it was funnier.’ – Joe Murray

‘I don’t know if I realized that I was funny, but I realized how healing and important humor was in my childhood.’ – Bonnie Hunt

‘When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.’ – Kurt Vonnegut

‘I met Amy Winehouse a few times and she was always funny, charming and self-deprecating – just a delight to be around.’ – Bill Bailey

‘Courtney Love is really cool and funny. I would like to meet Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz. I think I could play their daughters.’ – Dakota Fanning

‘Wine is similar to music in that it’s a purely experiential realm, and it’s a purely subjective practice. That’s sort of the funny thing about wine criticism or, for that matter, music criticism. At times, those are useful guides, but ultimately it’s all about how you react to that music or wine.’ – Mike D

‘There’s nothing I would love more than to host an awards show where I’m nominated for an award – that is so funny to me.’ – T. J. Miller

‘I thought ‘Borat’ was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn’t some studio-produced script with 14 writers.’ – Steve Martin

‘Corin Nemec, who was on television for years, has been through a similar thing. We both had TV shows, we’ve had to hit that audition trail, and we were both frustrated. We were both going through divorces, and we decided to write about this stuff. And make it funny.’ – David Faustino

‘I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.’ – Dave Chappelle

‘But a funny thing happened four years later. I was invited to play for an alumni team against the Red Wings.’ – Ted Lindsay

‘I’ve never found kicks to the groin particularly funny, although recent work in the genre of the buddy movie suggests audience research must prove me wrong.’ – Roger Ebert

‘Just for fun, I’m really goofy and I would love to do some stupid comedy. I’m talking, like, crazy, out there, Will Ferrell type of thing. I love it; I think those movies are so funny.’ – Jaimie Alexander

‘When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny.’ – Mo Rocca

‘I was so inspired by Beverly Cleary’s funny and wonderful books.’ – Judy Blume

‘You initially become funny as a kid because you’re looking for attention and love. Psychologists think that’s all to do with mother abandonment. I think John Cleese has his depressions, and Terry Gilliam’s the same. All of us together make one completely insane person.’ – Eric Idle

‘Canadians can be funny.’ – Gord Downie

‘Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but I also know that funny outlasts pretty any day of the week.’ – Ulrika Jonsson

‘Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!’ – Mitch Hedberg

‘I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and ‘manned up’ in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I’m not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.’ – Jimmy Carr

‘When I was one day old, I learned how to read. When I was two days old, I started to write. By the time I was three, I had finished 212 short stories, 38 novels, 730 poems, and one very funny limerick, all before breakfast.’ – Jon Scieszka

‘Scream was great for what it was. For a horror film, it was intelligent, it was funny, it took a laugh at itself.’ – Neve Campbell

‘The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I’m in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can’t seem to come up with anything new that’s funny. That’s a tough place to be as a comedian.’ – Bill Burr

‘If the worst that happens is that I wake up and see a picture of myself and a headline saying, ‘He wasn’t very funny last night’, then I’ve got nothing to complain about.’ – Matt Lucas

‘I go through regular problems. It’s funny – there’s still two sides to me: the normal one and the work one. I feel like I’m pulling a Hannah Montana.’ – Tate McRae

‘It’s funny, my kids and I live together, and I have a lot of actor friends. So my kids think everyone is on television every now and again, since everyone they know pops up here, but there’s a whole rap of things they won’t watch until they’re 16 or 17.’ – Dallas Roberts

‘If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true, and that’s unacceptable.’ – Carrie Fisher

‘You want to have the perfect balance of hot and funny on your Instagram, but you never want too much of either… Don’t try to add humility to your blatant ‘hot’ posts through a half-hearted attempt at being funny. You look good; just own it.’ – Cazzie David

‘I love the script and I just thought it was a great role. Like I say, it’s like this – the script is like this sad, funny, desperate love song to the lost American man.’ – Oliver Platt

‘I would love to do something like ‘Beverly Hills Cop’. I’d get to be funny and cool and heroic all in the same breath.’ – Ja Rule

‘It’s funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy.’ – Hedy Lamarr

‘Jim Carrey, a comic genius, has a harder time overcoming the public’s desire for him to be funny simply because he’s so good at it.’ – Ben Stiller

‘I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I’ll always sign for a kid before an adult. It’s funny, because I was never big into autographs as a kid. The only player who I ever wanted an autograph from was Dave Winfield.’ – Derek Jeter

‘For a culture that has such a problem with death, we seem to deal with it in a quite bizarre way. We see people shot, killed and blown up, and we find it funny and sexy and all those things. But, the reality of it is that every day people die, and people are really sad and they grieve and they go through a really difficult process with it.’ – Michael Sheen

‘JaVale McGee is one of the smartest guys I know. Like, he’s a nerd, plays with gadgets, and is into technology. He’s funny – he’s got crazy jokes, and his timing with jokes is really funny. You have to be really smart to think the way he does.’ – Andre Iguodala

‘I don’t really think about things too much, but people are going to form impressions about you if you play football, aren’t they? And if they think you’re the funny guy or the boy that likes a laugh, well that ain’t so bad.’ – Jimmy Bullard

‘The funny thing is that I almost find it more difficult now to take a still picture than to be behind a moving camera. I’m just so much more inspired and comfortable and confident when I have that whole operation going. I feel more connected. Snapping a moment doesn’t seem relevant to me anymore.’ – Steven Klein

‘Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn’t offend somebody it’s probably not a joke. It’s probably an observation that’s not funny. It’s gotta offend somebody somewhere.’ – Jeff Ross

‘When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, ‘Oh, man!’ I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.’ – Robin Williams

‘Let’s make some funny pictures.’ – Tex Avery

‘I grew up a really shy kid, but I always surrounded myself with a lot funny people. It depends on the day – if I feel like being quiet, I will be. I’m not a complete goofball, though.’ – Manny Montana

‘It’s all so confusing and incestuous and curious, the trail that actors wander through in the course of their careers and how stories overlap. It’s funny.’ – Diane Lane

‘Richard Pryor introduced me to the world of the inner city, and the urban world, and did it hysterically. My favorite comedian, even though we work 180 degrees differently, but funny is funny is funny.’ – Bob Newhart

‘Kevin Hart. He’s the man! I like his style. He’s short, so I can relate. All the stories he tells are real. I respect that, and he’s just a really funny dude – great comedy instincts. To do stand-up on a stage for an hour and tell stories and make people laugh is incredible.’ – Cameron Boyce

‘I’m really not that funny in real life! But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh.’ – Carol Burnett

‘Twitter, to me, works if you’re funny. Twitter doesn’t work as a promotional tool unless you do it very, very, very occasionally.’ – Albert Brooks

‘I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.’ – Eddie Murphy

‘There’s a deep underlying unpredictability to life that is thrilling. In China, my wife would say you go out to buy toilet paper, and you come back, and something interesting or revealing or funny happened on the way.’ – Evan Osnos

‘I would love to be more specific, but really, any type of bird is the funniest animal. They have to move awkwardly when walking. They have beady eyes; they are very suspicious. They can’t do anything right. They have no hands, which is inherently funny.’ – Kurt Braunohler

‘People always ask about my dad and his comedic influence. It’s funny because my mom is really the comedian of our household.’ – Dan Levy

‘I remember playing that tennis game with the two sticks, ‘Pong.’ That was crazy when I first saw it. It’s funny to think that ‘Pong’ blew me away since all it was was a ball going back and forth.’ – Ben Wallace

‘I had everything I’d hoped for, but I wasn’t being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn’t like me for being… me.’ – Ellen DeGeneres

‘My whole family was very funny, each in their own way, and you had to be quick to get a word in.’ – Maureen Lipman

‘The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.’ – Doug Stanhope

‘Humour is learned behaviour, and I know exactly why I learned to be funny. I did it from a very early age. My dad was a hilarious man, and the way we interacted was being silly together. It was a way to hold his attention.’ – Greg Davies

‘I think the problems with comedians that are political, and there are some brilliant ones, are the ones that offer no solutions. Not that there’s a moral obligation for a comic to fix things, but I like to see a comic that’s upset about something and offer a solution. It can be a funny solution. I like to see the thought process.’ – Kyle Kinane

‘I don’t want to sound hoity-toity, but people told me I should watch ‘Cheers’ because it’s very funny. So I watched it, and I just went, ‘This is the great show of the universe?’ To me, acting is making characters believable, not just doing jokes.’ – Teri Garr

‘Usually, if I think something is really funny, I’m not gonna test it. I’ll just test it when I’m onstage.’ – Donald Glover

‘I’ve always found it easier to be funny than to be serious.’ – Molly Ivins

‘The importance of satire is bringing more people to the table. There are a lot of average citizens who aren’t interested in politics and would be more interested if it’s brought to them in a comedic, funny, satirical way.’ – Bassem Youssef

‘Before, I guess, mum and dad were everything, but now, in my case, I had two new girls and all of a sudden they’re completely dependent on you and there’s a third generation. It’s a funny shift all of a sudden. You have the babies, you have yourself and then you have your parents.’ – Roger Federer

‘I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600’s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.’ – Marion Barry

‘I was funny in a way that was not dissing the teacher; I was funny just to be funny. A real charmer with a prominent mustache that he didn’t know what to do with and a smart-alecky attitude.’ – Jason Mantzoukas

‘It’s funny how you never think about the women you’ve had. It’s always the ones who get away that you can’t forget.’ – Chuck Palahniuk

‘My little dog, he did not get ill. It is so funny that people get ill on a boat and dogs do not.’ – Anna Held

‘I definitely at times notice a difference in service when I go out. You know, I can walk in to grab a cup of coffee or walk in to have lunch or dinner, and people definitely seem on their best behavior, which is funny, or I start to see people clean up around me, which I always find really, really amusing.’ – Tabatha Coffey

‘I do keep getting these bad girl roles. The funny thing is that, honestly, I don’t think I’m believable as these aristocratic mean girls. But I do love playing them.’ – Katie McGrath

‘I’ve always been part of comedy. One of the things about our family was that if we were reasonably funny with each other, particularly my two brothers and myself, when my father was upset with something you’d want to make sure in some way you made him laugh. Because when he didn’t laugh, you were in trouble!’ – Leslie Nielsen

‘When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.’ – Steven Wright

‘God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.’ – Garrison Keillor

‘I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.’ – Lana Del Rey

‘Everyone’s sex life is funny except your own. Every person’s is, and yours never is.’ – John Waters

‘I do see things that are funny on the net. I Googled myself the other day and found out that I was worth $250m, and that I was the highest-paid guy in show business! I wish so hard it was true. It is, of course, the complete opposite. I’m neither rich nor do I make a lot of money.’ – David Crosby

‘You asked what is the secret of a really good sketch. And it is a sketch is a small play. It’s got a beginning, and a middle and an end. It should have a plot; it should have the characters, conflict. It is a little play. And in it, will be funny stuff.’ – Harvey Korman

‘You have to imagine you write a show about a sponge and you think that maybe a few people will think it is funny, some college students, but it takes off. It is truly shocking – to the point where it is bizarre.’ – Stephen Hillenburg

‘This satire business, that was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I was certified funny. From then on, I had to be funny – people expected it. Twice the work for the same pay.’ – Ray Guy

‘I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.’ – Angelina Jolie

‘It’s funny, I often think about how, if we were all placed in an apocalyptic situation, you’d realize quickly how stupid, petty things just don’t matter anymore. Who you love is who you love, and it doesn’t matter.’ – Alycia Debnam-Carey

‘I like Jacques Derrida; I think he’s funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that offends other philosophers; they think he’s not taking things seriously, but he comes up with some marvellous puns. Why shouldn’t you have a bit of fun while dealing with the deepest issues of the mind?’ – Alan Moore

‘I don’t say things to be offensive; I say things because they’re funny to me. It amuses me.’ – Marilyn Manson

‘Funny is only something that others know about you – you can’t be funny by yourself.’ – Chris Rock

‘It’s funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I’ve had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it’s just because they don’t behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power.’ – Ryan Reynolds

‘I love saying terrible things. Things that I think are terrible and I’ve gotten in to trouble in the past – just hearing it come out of my mouth or seeing it typed and seeing it out there – something terrible that in real life isn’t funny.’ – Limmy

‘It’s funny: there’s this idea where Kenny is only good because he can do what he wants, and he gets time. Well, everyone else through those doors had had time and opportunity. Why didn’t they do anything special?’ – Kenny Omega

‘I’ve been called a funny person for a long time. I don’t know that I know anything about comedic acting.’ – John Cho

‘I watched a lot of soap operas like ‘General Hospital’ and ‘Days Of Our Lives.’ When it came to movies, my parents were quite strict. They would watch ‘Flash Dance’ but wouldn’t let us see the whole film because Jennifer Beals’ character was a stripper. It was so funny when I finally saw the whole film. I thought she was a ballerina!’ – Rachel McAdams

‘I’ve known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny! – Richard Belzer’ – Richard Belzer

‘People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted… it was inevitable that I’d start giving little performances.’ – Johnny Carson

‘I have found that people who really want to work at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny – but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way – there’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it.” – John Mulaney

‘Some things hit close to home with people, and it’s going to be hard to tell someone who lost somebody on 9/11 that a 9/11 joke is funny.’ – Michael Che

‘The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.’ – J. K. Rowling

‘I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.’ – Will Ferrell

‘I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.’ – Jerry Seinfeld

‘I watch stuff from all around the world. We all grow up watching American TV, so the idea that I might have teenage American girls watching my show is kind of funny!’ – Roisin Conaty

‘It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.’ – Mae West

‘I trained at The Groundlings and was surrounded by some very funny women and also some very unfunny men. I didn’t feel a sense of things being different because I was a girl.’ – Kaitlin Olson

‘Comedians’ first ten minutes usually stay with them the first several years of their career. It’s their mission statement. Their disclaimer that lets people know who they are. Or were. It’s also a good time to make fun of your name if you have a funny or strange one.’ – Bob Saget

‘So that’s why one of my rules of parody writing is that it’s gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.’ – Al Yankovic

‘My mama never wore a pair of pants when I was growing up, and now that’s all she wears. It was so funny for me when I first started seeing Mama wear pants. It was like it wasn’t Mama. Now I’ve bought her many a pantsuit because she just lives in them.’ – Dolly Parton

‘I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.’ – Gertrude Stein

‘The funny thing is that everyone thinks I’m naturally dark because all of my siblings are, but I’m naturally dirty blond.’ – Khloe Kardashian

‘When I was young, I’d watch guys on ‘The Tonight Show’, Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they’d be is funny. Later, I remember, on ‘Late Night with Letterman’, I remember he’d have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that.’ – Norm MacDonald

‘You can hate me for being a woman, you can hate me for being smart, you can hate me for being funny, but you hate me because I am doing something you could never do. End of story.’ – Iliza Shlesinger

‘I like the ironic pomposity of a stand-up comedian. Like all those comedians thinking they can bring down Coca-Cola. They forget to be funny.’ – Ricky Gervais

‘That’s my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don’t.’ – Jimmy Kimmel

‘Working with Dav Pilkey was a dream come true. Dav is incredibly funny, and he’s been a hero of mine for a long time. It was great bringing the ‘Wimpy Kid’ and ‘Captain Underpants’ worlds together!’ – Jeff Kinney

‘I have a sidekick, Keith Robinson, who’s very funny. I’ve known Keith for over 20 years; he’s my best friend.’ – Wanda Sykes

‘Who knew Rob Lowe was funny? On ‘Parks and Rec,’ we’ve got some of the funniest comedy writers, some of the funniest comedians in the world working there. And if anything, we don’t just effuse to one another and be like, ‘Oh, Rob Lowe’s really funny,’ if he wasn’t.’ – Chris Pratt

‘Trying to be funny is arguably the least funny thing you can do.’ – Romesh Ranganathan

‘It’s painful for me to watch someone who isn’t funny. It’s horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.’ – Joe Rogan

‘I’ve always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they’re just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.’ – Steve Martin

‘You hear people talking about a Scottish sense of humour, or a Glaswegian sense of humour, all sorts of countries and cities think that they’ve got this thing that they’re funny. I read about the Liverpudlian sense of humour and I was like, ‘Aye? What’s that then?’ You get that and you especially hear about a dark Glaswegian sense of humour.’ – Limmy

‘Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.’ – Joan Rivers

‘I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.’ – Angelina Jolie

‘Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.’ – Kevin Hart

‘Now a ‘funnyman’ can get a laugh before opening his mouth – looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen – they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.’ – Milton Berle

‘I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.’ – Steven Wright